Alright… so maybe about 36% as much.
Anyway! There you are… sitting there thinking “so who the hell is this guy and why would I want to work with him?”
Well, allow me — if you will — to ask you to…
Picture the scene: Northern Ireland, 1991. The worst of The Troubles has passed, but the wounds those days left behind still run deep for a fractured society, bleeding into the sectarian violence that bathes everyday life for many communities within the province…
A bit like this, really:
Photo Credit: REUTERS/Cathal McNaughton
Largely unaware of the real-life horrors still haunting those streets lived a young boy obsessed with all things scary in fiction. His grandfather would support his odd interests, treating him to lazy afternoons and late weekend nights filled with Hammer, Amicus and 1950s “Atomic Age” creature features.
He would find himself devouring the likes of Stephen King’s tome Needful Things, whilst other kids his age stuck to more *ahem* “suitable” material.
Material that didn’t demand a dictionary and thesaurus to get through.
Yet it was through such forbidden media that the boy first encountered the real power of the written word ― of how a mere twenty minutes with a Pan Book of Horror Stories could lead to an entire night of sleeplessness… much to his parents’ dismay, of course!
If you haven’t figured it out by now, that boy was me — Gareth Jones. I also don’t talk about myself in the third person very often, because it’s just weird.
Now I appear to be sprinting my way through my thirties, having spent a decade writing as a horror media journalist following graduation from Queen’s University, Belfast and the subsequent move to Nottingham, England.
I’m a Microsoft Certified IT Professional, unrepentant tech-head and devoted gamer. Backed up by a decade of experience in Systems Administration and Enterprise Support — serving both the public and multi-national corporate entities — I write copy that helps condense technical information into selling signals that non-techies can get their heads around.
This means your potential customers don’t have to put any brainpower into understanding your offer. Whatever level of technical ability they’re at, they’ll know it’s right for them and walk straight to the checkout with as little friction as possible.
Besides IT, I’ve also spent time in sales environments and even in a bakery — which was surprisingly fun, except for the day I permanently extended the length of my arse crack courtesy of the flesh-gouging talents of a metal prep table.
Yes, it hurt. A lot.
So… suffice it to say, I’ve had my fingers in quite a few pies throughout the years. Not all of them were tasty.
If you believe in it, according to the Myers-Briggs Personality Type Indicator I’m the world’s rarest type – INFJ: “The Advocate” – which might go some way toward explaining my incessant drive for helping businesses connect with the people whose lives they intend to make easier.
Which means I don’t write copy for just about anybody, and certainly not on the cheap. Snake oil salesmen and fly-by-night IM software creators who intend to abandon their platform 6 months after launch are not welcome in the Crypt. Similarly, if you expect people to pay well for your great stuff, I expect you to pay well for my great stuff that helps you sell your great stuff.
You should know that I don’t engage in races to the bottom, nor entertain comparison haggling. If you’re merely looking for some cheap words to slap down on a page, or a copywriter who won’t challenge demands to turn everything into super-bland corporate speak that nobody wants to hear, you’ll be better served elsewhere.
And good luck with that.
Next to all that serious stuff, I still write on as many horror projects as I can, including fiction and product copy for the genre film industry, and do enjoy injecting a few terrifying tropes into sales copy on occasion ― flexing the old macabre muscle (what can I say… it works!) when I get the chance.
I’m happily married to a lovely wife, with a chinchilla, a dog and very little free time. When I do get some, I’m a big fan of filling it with good movies, good friends, good food, good bourbon and rolling some dice/hoarding little wooden cubes with my extensive tabletop gaming collection. If I can somehow squeeze all of that stuff into one weekend, then I’m a happy bunny!
But that’s enough about me and what I do. Now head on over to my contact page and let me know about YOU. Your next killer campaign is a mere email away.
(And hey… if you’re near Nottingham and fancy breaking the ice with a beer and board games, then what are you waiting for?!)
All the best,